I don’t want to be a good client! (A client is a person who is being facilitated.)
After years of being on both sides of numerous facilitation, I had a revelation a few months ago. As I was being facilitated by a wonderful facilitator, I realized that for all this time I have been
focused on being a ‘good’ client rather than an honest one. What I mean by that is that I am often trying hard to listen to facilitators and trying not to go into a story. I see that I have been forcing myself to be open-minded even when I really didn’t want to or was not ready. As I realized this during this facilitation, I decided no more ‘good’ client for me!
This resulted in an amazing experience…one where for the very first time, or so it seemed, I felt held, heard and supported by someone doing The Work.
“Is it true?”…“Of course it is!!
For this particular facilitation, I had created a worksheet on my mother-in-law. During the facilitation, I probably looked like a very closed-minded person to some people but I didn’t care. I wanted to honor the part of myself that believed that I simply wanted her respect.
During this experience, when the facilitator asked me, “Is it true?” I became very annoyed. My mind was screaming “Of course it’s true!!”and I sensed the anger building up inside me. I started feeling as if she was forcing me to say “No.” I felt very isolated and not safe being with her. I even told her that I was not sure if she was on my side. At that point, tears started welling up and I needed her to assure me that she was on my side. It was quickly becoming a shocking experience.
Soon she asked me, “Who has disrespected you in the past?” which was a great question. The response “My parents!” came to mind immediately. Then, she switched the concept from “I want my mother-in-law to respect me” to “I want my parents to respect me.” It was perfect.
When she asked “Who would I be without the thought—‘I want them to respect me–?’” I became fearful. I felt it would be dangerous to drop the thought (even though the facilitator hadn’t asked me to). I didn’t want to see who I would be without the thought because if I did, I thought I’d become a doormat.
I am done being your doormat!!
“I don’t want to be a doormat anymore!” I screamed at her. I was very emotional. I needed to hear myself say it. I really believed that I was a doormat for my parents, and a part of me still believes that some people try to use me. I can see clearly how the thought “I don’t want to be a doormat” still plays out in my life. And until I really Work on being a doormat, I can’t be open to “who would I be without the thought–I want my parents to respect me–?”
She was finally heard.
My patient facilitator heard me out. She gave me the space to marinate in my story. I am so glad I did not allow myself to become the typical ‘good’ client. I needed to loudly express that I was really sick and tired of being a doormat for my parents (and others). This little wounded girl needed to be heard. I think the little girl in me can finally take a backseat and relax a little bit now.
Something really shifted in me from this experience. It is totally okay if I am not ready to be open to the possibility of ‘who I would become if I didn’t have the thought’. Sometimes it takes time to get to the other side of a situation. That’s totally okay by me. I will take time as much as I need. No rush, no hurry Tamami. I am always here for you.